


Kleenex

by bonzai_bunny



Series: Tumblr Ficlets [2]
Category: DCU
Genre: Bat Family, Ficlet, Gen, No proofreading we die like mne, Puberty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-06 18:51:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16838383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonzai_bunny/pseuds/bonzai_bunny
Summary: It was tough living in a house with a bunch of teenage boys.





	Kleenex

**Author's Note:**

> Another ficlet, inspired by that one amazon review for tissues (if you haven't read it, please go and search it out, it's amazing.) Just as a disclaimer, I don't know shit about timelines.

If Alfred had known that so many adolescent boys would pass through Wayne Manor, he might have had the foresight to purchase a tissue paper company so they would have an unlimited supply. But as it were, he simply added more and more boxes to his shopping lists.

With Bruce it had been easy, being an only child and leaving the manor once he turned 16 for college. By then, it was no longer Alfred’s problem. And when it had been Alfred’s problem, he made it clear to Bruce that Bruce would have to start cleaning his own laundry if he desired to use his clothing for such a thing and if he could stop clogging up the shower, that would be lovely. Bruce, shamefaced, had listened and agreed and that had been the end of that.

Then Dick came. He had been such a wonderful addition to the house and had probably brought back Bruce from the brink of death. Then he became a certain age and he ended up being twice as bad as his father figure. Dick was given the same talk and made strides towards not leaving stiff socks around the house. He single handedly doubled the amount of tissue Alfred bought in a month, but at least there weren’t any more “fun” surprises in the wash.

And then Jason. Brash, loud and irreverent Jason. The only good thing about Dick moving out on his own was that the two weren’t in the manor at the same time. That would have been a nightmare. Alfred gave the talk to Jason about doing his own laundry, but Jason preferred to do his own laundry, so it wasn’t as much of a problem as it could have been (there was still a part of the lad that thought he had to earn his keep, unfortunately). But then Alfred kept finding the occasional dirty magazine with the pages stuck together. He didn’t throw them away, but he did plan on telling Master Bruce to arrange some form of punishment. Alfred had been a young man once too, but you didn’t leave out things like that in the living areas for god’s sake! But then the boy died and, well, it hardly mattered by then.

Tim didn’t live with them for a long time and, thankfully, seemed to abhor the thought of doing that in a guest’s home. When Bruce finally took custody, the brief time he lived there, he was sensible enough to just use tissue. Tim didn’t need the talk. Whatever he did at his apartment, however, was none of Alfred’s business.

Cassandra was like a breath of fresh air. She wasn’t Alfred’s favorite, because Alfred didn’t have favorites, but she didn’t cause any extra mess and that always a plus in Alfred’s book.

Then Damian was found, Bruce was lost, and Dick took over. It was such a stressful time, a time full of resentment between the boys, that Alfred hardly cared about the used condoms he kept finding. At least Dick was being safe. It was all Alfred could really ask for.

Eventually, when everyone was alive and well, Alfred sort of found the whole thing amusing. It was never the worst thing he had to clean up (stitching up bullet wounds was his least favorite Wayne Manor duty) but it also wasn’t something he would miss. A funny anecdote to keep around to embarrass the boys, if he had to. Then, Bruce came to him one day with a pained look and said,

“I found…a disgusting stiff sock looking for Damian.”

Alfred decided he was simply too old to deal with this anymore, patted Bruce on the shoulder and said, “Good luck, Master Bruce, you’ll need it.”


End file.
